A.H.

I was “enough”

The purpose of participating in this temple stay for 5 nights and 6 days was to reset my mind.
For the past five years, I have spent about three hours round trip commuting on a crowded train, have no set lunch breaks and eat irregularly, and even though I am a medical professional, I have to be sensitive to customer service and treatments, and I have had some issues with interpersonal relationships. When I was careful, by the end of the day I didn’t have any energy left to face myself, but I couldn’t sleep without a sleeping pill.
In my private life, I parted ways with my fiancé and friend of 30 years, whom I cherished dearly, and most recently, of my five cats, who were the most important people to me, I lost my beloved companion, the first one, to illness.
Even though I am burdened with mental pain and physical fatigue that have become so heavy that even the kindness and consideration of my lover feels like a burden, I am no longer able to pretend that nothing is wrong and get through each day like before. I did.
As a reward for myself, I bought more than I needed, and my closet and cupboards were full of clothes and things I didn’t use.
I was determined to reconsider my daily life.

The schedule at the temple was very tight, I was always rushing around, and there was no time to lie down during the day.
Meanwhile, as I observed the uchideshi, I felt that their movements were polite, efficient, and beautiful. Then I realized that the reason I didn’t have time was because I wasn’t very good at moving myself or approaching things.
Also, as part of my work, I went into the mountains to cut thorny grass.
In fact, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but as I cut the grass little by little, I started to feel like the thorns in my heart were being removed, and I began to carefully observe the grass roots and figure out which direction to put my body in to avoid damage. I’ve come to the point where I can figure out and learn how to reap as much as possible with minimal effort.
Every problem has its roots, and I was able to learn firsthand the importance of observing it from various angles, and sometimes looking at the whole picture and objectively viewing my efforts.

In the evening, I meditated in zazen, and what I realized as a change in consciousness was that I had had enough.
I was able to take a long vacation of 6 days, so please go! When I look at each of the things I have, such as the work environment that kindly sent me off, the fact that I am doing a job that I like, the fact that I have my parents’ home and a home to return to, the existence of my beloved cats and a kind lover that I have to protect, etc. I am so grateful for my daily life and have become so fond of it.
At the same time, I realized that my lack of time, lack of energy, and feeling like I was draining myself were all problems of my own making.

Physically, I realized that my breathing was very shallow.
When I read the sutras, I felt breathless and couldn’t even speak out loud.
I’ve always had a habit of holding my breath for some reason, and clenching my back teeth so hard that my teeth cracked, so I’d like to be conscious of this and try to improve it.
I also realized that this shortness of breath and the tension and stiffness of my body made me feel like I was having trouble taking action. I would like to continue using the method I learned to reset my body.

After finishing my temple stay, I went straight to work the next day. As part of my daily routine, I incorporate things that can be changed quickly, such as waking up early to clean, eating properly, preparing well in advance, and doing each task one by one.
Actually, I was taking sleeping pills during my stay at Temple, but after returning home and living my daily life to the fullest, I naturally became sleepy, so I started taking them less frequently. I hope that I can continue to learn how to deal with medicine in a better way.
From now on, I will systematically work on things that I have been keeping a lid on, such as organizing my bulging closet and my cell phone screen.

lastly,
I don’t know why, but sometimes I would stop by a temple and spend some time in a daze.
By working diligently with the Uchideshi and Zentomo, I realized that the true sense of security and comfort in the temple space lies in the presence of people who carefully take care of it. I came to my own understanding that these were the thoughts of those who had continued to do so.

Thank you to everyone at the temple and Zentomo for giving me this wonderful opportunity.