Kosui Senyo

this time was about “confirming that the temple has taken root within me and refining my personal challenges even further.”

Last time was my very first zazen retreat, and simply completing it was a challenge in itself. When it ended, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn’t hold back my tears. Every single activity at the temple was a challenge and a discovery. After returning to my usual environment, I worried about whether I could maintain the habits and insights I had developed during the retreat. I felt reluctant to leave the temple, and the scenery around the train station and on the train appeared different than it had before the retreat.

This time, however, I didn’t have those same intense feelings at the end. While I did feel a bit sad to leave the temple, the world didn’t look different, nor did my daily habits drastically change. I found myself wondering what I had really come for and what I had learned. Had I simply gotten used to it all? My mind felt calm and focused, but the version of me during the retreat and the one after returning to everyday life didn’t seem different at all. It feels as though I’m still living a continuous life, seamlessly connected to the temple experience. Even physically, unlike last time when I suffered from severe swelling in my lower body for a few days after returning home, I didn’t experience much of that this time.

Reflecting on it, I think it may be because I’ve tried my best to continue the habits I developed after my last stay—such as sutra chanting, full-body prostrations, mindful eating, cleaning, and greetings—so they gradually became a part of me over the past six months. Although far from perfect, I had made these practices my own.

Between my temple stays, I also studied at the Busshin Sōgakuin, and participated in many Busshin-shū activities such as the Daigu Dōjō, the FMT Therapist Training Institute, the Keiei Mandala seminars, videos by Oshō-sama, and the Akiba Grand Festival. All of this has likely helped the teachings and practices sink deeply into me.

I also had the opportunity to visit the temple for activities like weeding, and I think that played a big role too. The temple shifted from being “a place I visited only on special occasions” to “a place I always return to.”

Regarding harmony and cooperation with other participants, I noticed that during my first stay, I felt a certain tension in trying to get along. But this time, it came much more naturally. At first, I did feel some interpersonal stress, but I’ve learned to observe what’s happening between the other person and myself and adjust my mindset and approach. I’ve become better at managing that stress. I tried to remain aware of both offering the help someone needs and not taking away their opportunity to practice and grow.

When someone told me that I have truly embodied the spirit of “Okagesama” (gratitude for others’ support), I was surprised because I wasn’t that kind of person when I was younger. I think becoming seriously ill and receiving help from so many people was a major turning point. During my first temple stay, I was still in the process of consciously trying to realize this spirit of gratitude.

My parents valued appreciation and humility, and my grandmother was devoted to ancestor veneration—our family had many memorial services. Still, I can’t say that I had truly inherited that spirit while growing up. I believe it was through repeated, patient teachings from Oshō-sama and his disciples about karmic ties and gratitude, and through opportunities to practice mutual support in events like the Jien no Kai and temple festivals, that I began to internalize it.

The turning point came when I decided to enter Busshinkai and receive the precepts. I had previously believed I could manage everything on my own, but after a major failure, I finally realized that I am a foolish human being who cannot navigate life skillfully by myself—I need a true teacher and virtuous friends to guide me. Since then, I’ve received tremendous guidance, and though I’m still immature, I’ve been able to deepen my learning.

In that sense, the person I am today is very much shaped by Oshō-sama, the temple community, and all my spiritual friends. I feel truly grateful and happy for that. Since receiving the precepts in 2024, and especially after my last temple stay, I’ve been immersed in the world of Fukuganji almost to the point of concern—but looking back now, I’m glad I fully committed rather than doing it halfway.

That said, there are still challenges to work on. One of my goals this time was to “act quickly and keep time,” but I still have a long way to go. I’m deeply thankful for the honest feedback I received on that point.

In Oshō-sama’s video during the orientation, he spoke about “good lifestyle habits” and “discovering a new version of yourself,” and I hoped to achieve that by the final day. If my previous stay was about “understanding what a temple is and recognizing my current state and challenges,” then this time was about “confirming that the temple has taken root within me and refining my personal challenges even further.”

I will continue to practice with the themes of “not asserting my ego” and “not acting out of personal convenience.” While helping prepare for the temple’s festival day, I learned that careful, uncompromising attention to detail—such as aligning the center points or coordinating the position and colors of tents—creates the refreshing and comforting atmosphere of the temple. I hope to become someone who, without being swept away by ego or pride, can bring a sense of peace to others. If I am ever welcomed again, I would love to participate in another temple stay and reflect on how I’ve changed since then.

Although I didn’t experience the intense emotions and discoveries of my first retreat, this time offered its own unique, deep reflections, realizations, and connections with both the temple and myself. I am sincerely grateful to Daigu Oshō-sama, the disciples, and everyone at the temple for giving me this opportunity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.